CLAUDIO BELLECCA

Essere genitori:
il più “facile” dei mestieri

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Acknowledgements

For all they have taught me, I wish to give my heartfelt thanks to all children and parents I have met in thirty years of professional work.
Special thanks to all the people who have trusted me and who encouraged me to write this book. In particular, I want to thank my sister Antonella, my brother in law Mario Felici, my cousin Sandra Severini and my dear friends, Gianluca Passone, Achille Ippoliti, Mimmo Micarelli, Maria Allia and Claudio Vagni.
I am also indebted to Sonia Herrera, Eleonora Cafiero and to Maria Nilva Pereira for their painstaking and patient work in transforming my manuscript in a computer file. Likewise, I want to say how much I valued the suggestions given me by Rosarita Buccella and Viviana Normando, while I was still struggling with my manuscript.
I am also grateful to Leonardo Carrano, for his delightful sketches, and to Valeria Vigano’, the writer who improved the style of the Italian text.
A very special thank you to Eliana Sora’, the mother of my son, for giving me a chance to become a father.
And I want to thank (why not?) myself, for the courage, perseverance and enthusiasm during the seven years it took me to complete this book.
Finally, I need to thank God for His spiritual support in my mission as a physician and a father and for His help in lifting me up each time I fell.


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“The law of Love can be best understood and learned through little children” [V. testo in inglese a http://www.peace.ca/montessoriandgandhi.htm; è molto bella anche la frase originale completa: And having been blessed with children, I discovered that the law of Love could be best understood and learned through little children. /Trans. ]
Mahatma Gandhi

More than a foreword…

When they first read the title of this book quite a few people will probably rub their eyes in amazement, wondering if there’s a typo on the cover or if the author is, to put it mildly, some kind of screwball. I can almost hear one of these imaginary readers snapping out in disbelief: «What on earth can that guy mean? How can anyone possibly say it’s easy to be a parent? It’s unbelievable! I’d like to look the fool who wrote that straight in the face and tell him what I think of him. It’s easy enough to pontificate, but what I’d really like to see is how that guy would get on with a real live child to bring up. Sure it’s a crazy world we live in and we get to hear crazier and crazier stuff every day, but there are limits... ».
So perhaps, at first glance, it’s natural enough to think I must be an eccentric. And I must admit that if I myself had read that title several years ago, before I starting out on my path to learning and awareness, I too would probably have reacted with amazement or instinctive scepticism.
I know very well that if I’d written “hard” instead of “easy” no eyebrows would be raised, as it’s a well-known fact that most people think being a parent is an extremely complex and burdensome task. So my opinion as a father, a pediatrician and a human being comes into conflict with this widespread conviction.
The reason why I chose the word “easy” is certainly not because I was looking for a gimmick to attract people’s attention. Instead, the idea arose from the premise that whatever seems difficult or even impossible in life is simply something we don’t know, or don’t want to know. But when we have a really strong urge to learn we’re willing to take all the initial hurdles of the learning process in our stride, maybe even letting ourselves be helped along by someone who knows more than we do, and then whatever it is we wanted to learn will become familiar, and can even seem easy once we’ve mastered it.
So with this rule, which also applies to bringing up children, as my guide I decided to share with as many parents as I could, stimulating their interest with a touch of good-natured provocation, the fact that the role of educator can be made more effective and gratifying. Provided, of course, that one has a healthy resolve to find out the best way to perform it to the best possible effect. And I believe that reading this book can be a real help to those who want to develop new knowledge and greater awareness in this sphere.
At this point, I want to make it clear that as I put the word easy in inverted commas this means that it shouldn’t be taken altogether literally, and that I haven’t the slightest intention of belittling or making fun of parents, as their role in a child’s life is such a crucial one it can affect their entire future.
I too, being a father myself, feel sincerely and profoundly identified with my role as an educator. I would never have taken on such a delicate and vitally important subject from a position external or superior to those directly involved, because I think that smart-alecky presumptousness is surely not the best way to convey one’s convictions to others.
Listening to a voice that speaks up against the usual clichés and stereotypes can sometimes produce exceptionally beneficial results, so I suggest my readers do all they can to free themselves of prejudice and any other mental baggage that could prevent them from reading this book with an open mind.
Although it is certainly not my intention, it is quite likely that what I have written here may irritate some readers and produce resistance, at least at first. This is perfectly understandable, as no-one can hope to please everyone, it’s hardly possible to expect agreement on all sides when one states one’s own point of view. Indeed what usually happens is that whenever someone suggests “something new” in relation to what people are used to thinking and doing, they’re likely to stir up a hornet’s nest. What most people really want, in fact, is to hear someone else tell them just what they themselves already think. They don’t like to be contradicted, even if their life is full of mess-ups and unhappiness.
Change makes many people nervous because changing is costly, but it’s absolutely necessary when it’s the only alternative to a way of living that gives no satisfaction. Everything worthwhile comes at a price! Nothing is cost-free. Nothing of any value can be achieved without effort and commitment. Accordingly, the only way our existence and that of our children can really take a decisive turn for the better is if we are willing to correct what’s wrong with our way of thinking and acting.
I don’t agree in the least with those who say that we are born to suffer. I believe, on the contrary, that we are all here on this planet to meet with joy and determination the wondrous challenge we call life.
With the passing years, as my knowledge has progressively increased and deepened, I have come to feel the need to communicate it not only to people who know me and trust me as patients but also to other people I don’t know personally. This is the main reason why I decided to write this book, as I’m aware that what I myself have learned can be truly helpful to those who are prepared to take it to heart.
When I understood how essential it is to act only when our inspiration comes from the heart, and how important it is to share what we know by making it available to our neighbours, I reached a very important milestone in my path of personal growth. It is absolutely true that whenever we give generously and sincerely, without expecting anything in return, we experience a profound satisfaction and a pleasurable feeling of peace and harmony with ourselves and others.
There is one thing that I want to make clear right from the start: everything you are about to read here has been experienced and put to the test by me in my own life. And writing down what I know has been a very gratifying task for me; it makes me happy above all when I think that when I did this I was inspired by my soul.
What you will find written here is both a personal reformulation of the authoritative teachings I myself have received and the result of careful observation, exciting intuition and, above all, a great deal of experience accumulated through the years.
I have been taught that we can learn something from everybody, and that this is possible all the time, in every moment of our lives, provided we are willing to listen and be open. Absolutely anyone, from the most humble person to the most learned, can become a source of learning and inspiration for us, regardless of their level of formal education and qualifications. And I also think that there is much to be learned from those who have ideas and ways of thinking that do not fit into the categories and rules imposed by our society.
Unlike what many people believe, children have a great deal to teach us. Personally, I’m a strong supporter of the idea that they are the best and greatest of life’s teachers for us parents. If we have enough patience and modesty to observe them and listen to them with your full attention, children can convey to us, with their eyes, their smiles and their simple, authentic way of acting and communicating, certain truths that we often overlook because our spirit has got buried under a thick layer of fears, rationalisations, stubbornness, presumption and all the other things an adult accumulates through the many and various kinds of conditioning we undergo.
Ever since I started writing this book, I have had a strong, very clear feeling that I must draw attention to the fact that negative psychological attitudes cause not only of personal discontent and frustrations, but also inevitably have repercussions in the form of bad results in the educational sphere. In other words, I wanted to stress the importance of the principle– which to me is self-evident– that if we want to become good parents we must first of all strive to become better, day by day, as human beings. If we do nothing to “bring up” ourselves, I ask myself, how can we expect to give our children a good upbringing?
When we realise that our relationship with our offspring is disappointing and unsatisfactory, we must have enough humility to bring ourselves into the equation by making some changes in ourselves. As soon as we decide to change we automatically start putting ourselves into question, and this necessarily means that we have already taken a step forward. Indeed it is only by behaving in an open and flexible way that we can become more and more mature as persons, hence better and better as fathers and mothers.
In the light of my experience I can say that these two aspects, the human and the parental, are in no way separate and distinct, but are instead very closely linked to each other. Being willing to learn things we don’t know means letting ourselves be guided by the praiseworthy aim of growing as human beings, and consequently giving those we bring into the world the ability to live a life with a much wider range of possibilities.
There are a great many books around that aim to teach parents how to bring up their children. The very fact that such an abundant literary crop has appeared in this field over the last few decades means that the demand for them must have been progressively growing. And indeed the number of persons who feel in need of good advice they can apply in everyday life to achieve a more satisfactory relationship with their offspring is constantly rising.
This book neither claims nor presumes to be better than the others. But it can claim to be different, because it doesn’t follow certain stereotyped formulas. What it consists of is a dispassionate and honest personal contribution (based on long years of committed and demanding work) to what I like to call the rediscovery of the human dimension of children and parents.
So I believe what I have written can provide a clear and incisive reference-point for all those who, having the courage to look deeply into themselves, are prepared to make their way out of the thickets of mediocrity, prejudices and ignorance that are generated by an education based on rationalism, appearances and conventions.
Becoming parents who are aware and therefore responsible: this is what reading this book has to offer. It is only when we are aware of something that we are able to master it and benefit from it. Because if we‘re not aware, all we can do is feel our way, stumbling around as if we’re blindfolded: and if this is how we live, we’re not very likely to get results that will satisfy us and make us happy!
Knowing how to act towards our children so as to meet their spiritual needs in the best possible way, enabling them to grow using to best effect potential with which they are endowed means being fathers and mothers who are truly aware, as it also means knowing what is our true nature and understanding who we really are.
Being aware enables us to live a life free from the mental prisons and frustrations that have been handed down to us or which we ourselves, without realising it, have built up through the years. And with awareness, what is more, we acquire more and more self-confidence and grow able to give things, persons and life itself a meaning and significance that are no longer tied to appearances but to essence. Becoming aware brings clarity and brightness inside us as well. We rid ourselves of the mental confusion that not infrequently keeps us prisoners.
Awareness lets us live in serenity and bliss. Ignorance brings anxiety and misery. Being aware, therefore, means being happy because when we improve day by day in what is within us (rather than what has to do with externals) we grow more and more wise, meaning balanced and loving individuals.
“Seeing” with greater clarity means developing increasing sensitivity and also learning to listen, trusting in what we feel and sense. Only in this way can we develop empathy with our children, meaning the ability to “tune ourselves in” to their psycho-emotional wavelength and become aware of what their real needs are. These real needs extend far beyond the need to be fed and clothed, as these needs chiefly involve the soul.
As I write this, I feel as though I am talking with people directly and personally, just as I do every day with all the fathers and mothers who come to me for help. Often I hear one of them say, with a deep sad sigh, that being a parent is the hardest and most thankless job of all. I must admit that in the past, before I too became a father, I often asked myself how much truth there was in this depressing statement. As time passed, however, the experience I’d acquired as a father made me understand that the truth often differs from what most most human beings think.
No-one can deny that when we’re guiding a child, meaning a totally defenceless being, we have specific duties to perform and take on considerable responsibilities. Nevertheless, I feel I can and must say, at the risk of sounding like an incurable optimist or even a lunatic, that it’s not really all that hard to bring up a child who, as an adult, will be open to life and capable of coping cheerfully and determinedly with the various difficulties that life casts in our way. The trick is to know how to go about it, but as we mostly haven’t been taught how or in any case the message isn’t always conveyed in the right way, we have to learn directly through the day-to-day practice children inevitably subject us to.
It is my personal, deep-rooted conviction that our existence, in all its apparent complexity, is really far simpler than anyone could imagine: it is we ourselves who complicate it day after day, victims of an unconscious (but no less masochistic) urge to torment ourselves. Only where there is optimism, common sense and simplicity can there be pleasure, satisfaction and joie-de-vivre (as in the case of children). But where there is pessimism and the kind of contorted mentality that turns everything into an inextricable, tiresome mix-up there can be no satisfaction, nor can there be any chance of feeling happy.

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